Thursday, June 22, 2006

Old dog, meet new trick

Alright, alright, I’ll post already, in the hopes it will quiet the nagging voice in my head.

Here’s the thing. Or one of them, anyhow. There may be a few things. Ahem.

Thing The First
I completed an awesome three-week, twice-a-week outdoor bootcamp, led by…oh, god, it’s been so long, I forget what clever name I gave her…right, right: The Asskicker. And indeed, she was. She kicked my ass up and down Citadel Hill, Tuesday and Thursday mornings for an hour. It was phenomenal. Way, way better than any class I’ve taken at any gym, and brother, I’ve taken lots of those. It was super challenging, we worked out even in the pouring rain, and I noticed results FAST. Which is great because…

Thing The Second
I am having a little…ummm…trouble with food. Some weeks, terrifically hungry, other weeks, not hungry at all. So, some days, I weigh 206 and other days, 211. I do not go below 206 no matter what. Could I go above 211? I’d prefer not to find out. Why am I doing this? Good question…

Thing The Third
It all comes down to routine. Every. Goddamn. Time. So, I hosted the morning show, had two days off, then started producing the afternoon show. Totally different schedule, totally different set of pressures and challenges…totally turned my eating upside down. In a couple different ways. My old job was so easy and therefore boring that I snacked ALL DAY to alleviate the boredom. Usually, I’d snack on healthy stuff, but still, snacking. This job, I don’t have a spare second for snacking. The pace is nuts, and I’m still learning the ropes, and it’s LIVE RADIO which frankly terrifies me and so, you know, not so much with the snacking. But then, when I get home from work at 6:15, I am RAVENOUS and also so relieved that I’ve successfully (or, heh, not) put another show on the air. And so I eat mindlessly. A little frantically, in fact. As if I’d learned nothing over the last almost two years. Cripes. The other thing that’s going on is that Taco’s schedule has been all over the place, so he’s hardly home for supper. I usually can’t be bothered to make supper if it’s just me eating, so I graze. A LOT.

So that’s all kind of stupid. Can’t be bothered to make supper for myself? What the holy hell? It is so easy for me to forget to esteem myself at least as highly as I do those I care for. So frigging easy. Why is it so easy, internet, why? Why must I keep attempting to learn the same basic lesson? What will it take for me to finally get it, and keep it? Start living it? If you know, by all means, pipe up.

It’s complicated because I keep receiving positive feedback, even though my performance has not been where it should be. I purchased, and am currently wearing, knee-length shorts in a size 14 regular. Fourteen! What the? And all day, every day, people are telling me I look great. Most days, I can even see that for myself. I see my hands are thinner. My butt is more toned. I look normalish when I catch myself in the mirror. Not thin, by any standards, but not the kind of fat the lizard part of my brain still believes I am.

I am conflicted about this, though. It feels like denial, a subject about which I simply must write more, because to a large extent it is part of my problem.

I will write about it this weekend. I am recommitting to myself. I actually signed up for Nicole’s challenge, over at AFW (would love to include a nifty link here, but the mac laptop and the blogger website are not really on great terms, so…you can find the link in my sidebar). I registered at Spark People, and goddamn it, I’m going to get on top of this. My yoga summer pass kicks in on Monday. And in the meantime, there’s walking, weight training and pilates to do.